First Do No Harm Read online

  It was crazy. But Pierce had to do something to stay in Cassidy’s presence for just a little while longer. “Have you heard they just did a series of The Hot Zone on HBO?”

  She was desperate.

  “You mean, like, that book by Richard Preston? I loved that one!” Pierce wasn’t sure if Cassidy was actually that excited about Ebola or if she was just trying to keep the night going too.

  “Me too! It premieres in about an hour. What if we…you know, maybe watched it? Together?” Pierce immediately felt foolish. She must have sounded pathetic, begging Cassidy to spend just another second or two with her. “You know, if it’s not too much time with me…”

  Cassidy’s face lit up so brightly it almost cast shadows on the white walls behind them. “It’s not too much time, Pierce. In fact, I can’t seem to get enough time with you…”

  Pierce smiled and put her arm around Cassidy’s shoulder, pulling her closer. “I have this friend from Atlanta. Her name is Jayla. She’s great, but the girl literally defines ‘U-Hauling.’ This girlfriend she has now came over on their first date and just kind of never left.” Pierce chuckled and shook her head. “I always thought she was nuts. But you know, now I kind of see how that could happen.”

  Cassidy laughed with her, and Pierce found herself quickly relieved she hadn’t come across as too crazy. “Yeah. I can kind of see that too.”

  * * *

  Of course Pierce hadn’t left Cassidy’s that night. Even after an entire six-episode binge of humanity-destroying viruses, their endless conversation and, of course, a little more sex (okay, a lot more sex) kept them awake until all hours. Cassidy hadn’t needed to ask Pierce to stay over again this time. Instead, they both fell asleep blissfully in front of the open window which poured in slow gusts of warm spring air, blanketing Pierce in a sense of longing for things still to come and a steadiness she’d never before known.

  If they were being honest, Pierce did ultimately leave because both she and Cassidy had to be at work. Cassidy was rotating through the ICU for the month, which meant Pierce wouldn’t have the nearly hourly high of knowing Cassidy was right around the corner from her at any given point in time. It was disheartening, although they were both still in the same hospital. The ICU rotation was notorious for sleepless nights, twenty-four-hour days, and the near meltdown of most, if not all, emergency-medicine residents. Cassidy had tried to be optimistic about this situation, seemingly to keep Pierce around, but it was clear to Pierce that she wouldn’t have a lot of time left for her during the upcoming weeks. She was fine with this prospect. She’d gone through PA school. And although it certainly wasn’t the same as residency, she understood the demands of medicine in a way that those outside the world couldn’t. Still, it didn’t take away the gnawing pit that expanded in her gut when she realized it may be an indeterminate amount of time before she could see Cassidy again.

  When she woke up the next morning, Cassidy’s soft, warm shape still in the bed beside her, the pit was gone. Cassidy, who’d been standing in her closet attempting to piece together a clean set of scrubs, turned to her and smiled.

  “You’re awfully cute in the morning, you know that?” Cassidy, still in her usual tiny panties and oversized T-shirt that Pierce had learned to love so quickly, emptied her hands and jumped back into bed, curling into Pierce and nuzzling her head under Pierce’s chin.

  “Don’t go to work.”

  Cassidy groaned. “I don’t want to. Can’t I just stay in this bed with you all day? Or how about until we die?”

  “Mmm.” Pierce kissed the top of her head, breathing in hints of flowers and lavender and musk from Cassidy’s still-wild hair. “I will if you will.”

  “I’m going to miss not seeing your face every time I walk by an exam room.”

  “I’m only six floors down. But I know what you mean…”

  “My next day off is…” Cassidy paused, her face hardening. “Twelve days from now. But will you please spend it with me?”

  Pierce’s eyes watered inexplicably, and she blinked hard trying to stop her tears. She was so momentarily touched that Cassidy had no free time and still wanted to spend it all with her. All of Pierce’s hesitation in their first hours together at Mike O’Leary’s or in Cassidy’s apartment about Cassidy’s want to commit to something had more than vanished. This was what she had been waiting for—someone who thought she was worth putting the time in. Someone Pierce thought was more than worth driving five-hundred miles at midnight or flying cross-country for. From the first instant their lips met, Pierce knew. Cassidy Sullivan was everything she’d ever dreamed of and so many things she could never have even imagined. But the really miraculous part was that Cassidy seemed to be feeling the same way.

  “I’m yours.” And Pierce had probably never meant any two words more in her entire life.

  “Just promise me you’ll try to pop up to the Unit and see me once in a while?” Pierce understood fully the complex sadness to Cassidy’s voice, laced with hope and excitement and the thrill of that little voice in Pierce’s head that was louder than ever—this could be it.

  * * *

  Pierce wasn’t scheduled to work until later that night, and no way in hell was she going to get anymore sleep. Not when Cassidy’s touch was still radiating off her, the brush of her mouth on Pierce’s skin still so raw, so real, it was like it was still happening. The speedball was in full effect, and Pierce figured she might have a heart attack if this kept up. Well worth it, she told herself.

  “What are you doing right now?” It was the middle of Galen’s day, but Pierce hoped she could convince her to leave work and distract her.

  “Working. You know I’m always working.”

  Pierce could hear Galen’s espresso machine hissing in the background. “You don’t have any cases today though. It’s Monday. Conference day. So put down your charts, send your residents to clinic, and come out with me.”

  Silence on the other end of the line. Then, Galen exhaled thoughtfully. “And do what?”

  “I want to buy a BMW.”

  Galen spewed laughter. “A BMW? Don’t you think this hero-worship thing has gone on long enough?”

  “Please. You aren’t the only person on earth to drive a Bimmer, you know.”

  “Borrow my clothes. Find a girlfriend who looks eerily like mine. Work in my hospital. Now you want to drive my car?” But Pierce could hear the flattery in Galen’s voice.

  “Okay, so I like your car. And you have some pretty sweet Tom Ford jackets that look way better on me than you. Oh, and Cassidy looks nothing like Rowan.” Maybe, if you squinted at a distance of about a hundred yards, at dusk, there was a little resemblance. But only a little. “Are you going to come with me or not? I found one I like at a dealer nearby, and honestly, I don’t know shit about cars.”

  “Fine. I’ll help. But only so you don’t get ripped off.”

  “Thank you.” Pierce smiled to herself.

  “But just one question. Why a new car? This feels pretty impulsive.”

  Truth be told, it was impulsive. That was how Pierce made most of her decisions. In the past, that was how she’d managed her romantic relationships, job prospects, and just about every other major life decision. But she’d learned to slow down and think about those. She’d worked her whole career for the smaller things, the splurges that she knew deep down she could afford and would bring her a sense of success and pleasure. Pierce woke up that morning and decided she would trade her piece of garbage 2009 Subaru for a car that symbolized how she felt about the turns her life was taking. Something fun and sexy. Something that said “I’ve made it.” And, though she’d never admit this fact to Galen, they both knew she idolized her cousin in an embarrassingly juvenile way.

  “It kind of is. But fuck it. I have a good job. I make good money. I should drive a car that says I’m a successful career woman who lives in the big city. Not one that says ‘I still have my parents’ insurance.’”

  “You know what I always
say…”

  “You can’t take it with you?”

  “You can’t take it with you. I’ll pick you up in an hour. Wear something that says ‘don’t try to pull a fast one on me, you bitch.’” Galen hung up the phone and Pierce laughed out loud, not feeling at all foolish for the sound echoing off the walls of her empty apartment. And she sent that same message out into the universe—don’t try to pull a fast one on me, you bitch. Not when everything was finally perfect. Not now.

  * * *

  “She’s a beauty,” Galen said. She patted the hood of the car with her palm, took a lap around, and whistled.

  “God, you are such a dad.”

  “Rowan’s biological clock ticks with tiny baby shoes and infants in grocery stores. Mine comes out with bad puns and BBQ grills.”

  “You guys think you’ll have a kid?” Pierce immediately pictured Cassidy, pushing a stroller, walking next to Pierce with a toddler strapped to her back, through a late-fall farmer’s market. Jesus Christ, what was wrong with her?

  “I do. But not anytime soon. Ro has to finish residency, and then she wants to do a fellowship in surgical oncology. So it’ll be a long road.”

  “How did you get through it? You know, both of you being residents and all?”

  Galen opened the door of the new-to-Pierce BMW and ran her hand gently over the buttery, black leather. “Get in. I want to take this girl out for a spin.”

  “What? I just got it! You think I’m going to let you drive it? I’ve seen your lead foot. Hell, no.”

  “Tough luck. That was the price of admission for getting me out here. Now get in. You’re taking me out for ice cream.” Galen pressed the button that started the ignition, and the car roared to life. “JP Licks? Or Coldstone?”

  “Either one,” Pierce said, climbing into the passenger seat and rolling down the window. “Just don’t make me go to that vegan place Rowan likes.”

  “Hey, it’s not that bad. But we’re getting the real stuff today, my friend.”

  Galen parked the car a few miles away, on a busy metered street near the Boston University campus. It was early in the afternoon, but the sun still sat low in the sky, a subtle reminder that although the air was unseasonably hot for May, an entire summer stretched ahead of them. What could that upcoming summer look like? Lying on a beach next to Cassidy, under an umbrella, the ocean breeze tossing Cassidy’s hair like a model’s in a magazine photo. Late-night ice cream runs like this one. Falling asleep under the open window of Cassidy’s bedroom, as they had the night before. It all felt too surreal, like a fairy tale Pierce never thought anyone actually lived. But there it was.

  “You asked me about how Rowan and I managed when we were both going through residency,” Galen said. She licked her ice-cream cone, a look that Pierce could only interpret as introspective painting her face, as they sat side by side on the one deserted bench on Comm Ave.

  Pierce nodded.

  “Why? Are you asking because of Cassidy?”

  “She’s in the MICU right now. You know what that’s like. I won’t see her for over a week.” Twelve days, Pierce thought. Twelve days.

  “Rowan and I had it a little easier, since we were in the same program. But a lot of times our shifts didn’t line up. We’d go days without seeing each other, entire weeks on end when she was on days and I was on nights and we were lucky to pass each other in the hallway.”

  Pierce felt her brow dip and her mouth tighten into a thin line. “How did you make it work?”

  “You just find the time when you can. Sometimes it’s as small as a coffee drop-off and two minutes of face-to-face time. But you’d be surprised just how much that can do to get you through.”

  “Do you think it’d be weird? You know…if I surprised her and brought her coffee or something? Do you think it’s too early?” Pierce fished out the last spoonful of cookie dough from her cup and crushed the cup in her fist.

  “Do you think she’d find it weird?”

  Pierce pondered the question. “No. Not at all.” After their tilt-a-whirl beginning, Pierce was certain Cassidy was exactly where she was.

  “Then there’s your answer.” Galen clapped her on the shoulder.

  “Thanks, G.”

  Galen nodded, and they were silent for a long time.

  “It really is a nice car,” Galen finally said.

  Pierce chuckled. “It sure is…It sure is.”

  Chapter Twelve

  The medical intensive care unit (largely known as the MICU) was every bit as horrendous as had been rumored. Cassidy was only four hours into her second eighteen-hour shift and had already intubated three patients, put in five central lines, and been yelled at by at least a half-dozen nurses for not putting a diet order in for Mr. Brodski fast enough or not prioritizing Mrs. Greenberg’s anal itching. No matter how quickly she moved, Cassidy couldn’t seem to be in enough places at once. And she couldn’t shake feeling like she was slowly drowning in the deep end of a swimming pool, which also happened to be on fire, where she knew how to tread water just long enough to grow fatigued and eventually succumb to her own overexertion.

  “Dr. Sullivan, Mr. Pond in bed five’s heart rate is 60. Do you still want me to give the Lopressor?”

  “Dr. Sullivan, I really need that Tylenol order for Mr. Newcomb.”

  “Dr. Sullivan, the new admission is bucking his tube. You need to give him more propofol.”

  The line of nurses who needed something from Cassidy was seemingly out the door, each request more daunting than the next. By the time Ginger, one of the less-heinous nurses in the MICU, asked her to see Mr. Brodski immediately for his complaint of new onset penile discharge, she only wanted to see Pierce again. Her bed had become her escape. Namely, her bed with Pierce. When the tubes and lines and crying family members and annoying nurses became too much, she retreated to the recent nights, with Pierce in her bed, by her side, her arms firmly around Cassidy like nothing could touch her. She took a deep breath and smiled, a sense of peace slowly entering the chaos, and went back to work. Somewhere in the middle of replacing Mr. Pond’s nasogastric tube, a task the nurses usually did but reserved occasionally for new residents still working their way off the shit list, Cassidy heard a ding from her scrub pocket.

  It was some time before she was able to check it. Probably a consultant finally responding about Mr. Brodski’s new renal failure. Or maybe her mother texting to tell her the deer in their backyard had come back for the season. The message was from Pierce. And although it was about thirty minutes old, Cassidy nearly left the ground in her efforts to leave the unit. Pierce had said she was outside in the family waiting area. Cassidy hoped with every little bit of strength she had left that Pierce was still there.

  “Ginger, I’ll be right back,” she called across the nurses’ station. “Caroline is in the dictation room if you need anything.”

  The round, carrot-headed nurse, who Cassidy thought was aptly named, offered a brief smile and returned to her computer. Cassidy scanned her ID badge and pressed the large access button on the wall, sending the double doors creaking open so excruciatingly slowly she thought she might actually have to push them. Once out in the lobby, she looked to her left, then to her right. A middle-aged couple in complementary Vineyard Vines polos sat holding each other grimly. Cassidy recognized them as the daughter and son-in-law of Mr. Brodski, who was likely going to die of his metastatic pancreatic cancer in the next day or so. It was easy to disconnect from patients when they were just bodies on a stretcher, machines breathing for them, drugs keeping them alive. It wasn’t personal, only a natural (or, sometimes not) transition to death. But the living got to Cassidy. Those who would be left behind.

  She shook her head, letting the empathy that was all too strong at times fall away. She looked to her right again, at another person tucked away in the corner. Staring at Pierce was like breathing fresh air after being rescued from that burning swimming pool. It was survival.

  “God, you are a sight for sore fu
cking eyes,” Cassidy said. She placed her hands on Pierce’s strong chest and collapsed, letting her head rest under Pierce’s chin as she had just two long mornings ago.

  “I’m sorry to keep showing up like this unannounced, but I thought you could use some coffee.” Pierce brushed away a strand of Cassidy’s hair that had fallen out of its bun, then reached behind her and picked up one of the coffees that had been teetering on a nearby chair.

  “You have no idea how good it is to see you. I’ve been…I can’t believe I’m about to say this…I’ve been missing you like crazy, Pierce.”

  Pierce grinned with her underlying confidence that stayed just far enough away from ego, and Cassidy actually swooned. “I miss you too. I haven’t been thinking about much else for two days. Really, coffee is just a cover.”

  “It’s a great cover.” Cassidy took the cup and inhaled deeply. “The good stuff too.”

  “Pavement. I figured MICU calls for something stronger than that watered-down trash downstairs. Cream, no sugar, right?”

  It was probably just the exhaustion, but tears welled up behind Cassidy’s eyes and threatened to spill out in an embarrassing shower. “That’s right.” For the first time in her life, Cassidy felt like she didn’t have to be so strong. For the first time, she felt taken care of.

  “Oh, I almost forgot.” Pierce reached behind her to one of the nearby waiting room chairs and picked up a white, waxed-paper bag with a few grease stains seeping through.

  “What’s this?”

  “A glazed doughnut from Union Square.”

  Pierce handed Cassidy the bag, and the tears once again appeared, but this time it was like trying to kink a firehose. She threw her arms around Pierce’s neck, partially out of sheer fatigue and gratitude, and partially out of a desperation for Pierce not to see her embarrassing display of weakness.